ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS NO ONE ASKED

Apparently there is this thing going on out on the interwebs wherein bloggers tap other bloggers to fill in the blanks for a handful of Girl Talk-style questions. The tag is referred to as a meme, although that isn't particularly accurate with regards to Dawkins' original definition of a unit of culture analogous to the gene. All that genes and memes require for transmission are hosts, not conscious participants who direct them in particular ways. I sound like a little snottypants, and I probably am, but what I really mean to say is that even though this meme didn't get here by itself, I am more than happy to oblige any request of Miss Aprile's...

I can't believe I've never....

Learned to drive. Yes, I am environmentally minded, and yes, I REALLY hate car culture, but this is getting ridiculous.

Every time I think about... I still cringe

Oh boy. I'm really spoiled for choice here, but to spare everyone the cringing awkwardness of sharing with me all those misdirected e-mails, sloppy dance floor maneuvers, and miscellaneous gaffes, I'll have to go with a classic.

It was high school. Junior year I guess, since I pretty much dropped out somewhere around then. I was having a party as an excuse to get the Sal Paradise and the Apple Pie Blues Band to play a concert in my mom's living room. The Blues band was composed of only the smartest and most charming male members of the art/music/pot/political activism set of our high school. I wasn't nearly cool enough to be friends with any of the boys in the band (although I knew some of them through the school E.C.O. Club), but my friend Vanessa was dating the illustrious Robert Blake, and I must have organized the gig through him.

It was a rocking set. I was mostly too nervous to be conscious of any Sonny Terry and Brownie McGee covers but I do clearly remember a cover of the Beastie Boys' 'Fight for Your Right to Party' (our enthusiasm for which was undimmed by the lack of visible encroachments on this right by our Kirkland neighbors). I'm pretty sure I sighed deeply, gazed at the stars, and knew deep in my heart that it was the greatest moment of my young life.

The band took its name from the Kerouac classic On the Road, whose main character rhapsodizes about stopping at roadside diners for a delicious and filling slice of Apple Pie. In the spirit of this, I gathered recipes and purchased pie tins, determined to bake enough Apple Pie to feed the whole party. But as the big evening approached I was crunched for time and opted for store-bought pie crusts. I was even pleased with myself, having scanned the ingredient list to ensure it was free of any vegan-offending butter, milk, or eggs. The pies were delicious, and were rapidly devoured. Some of the vegans even complimented me, and I pretended to empathize with the challenges they had faced in baking sans animal products.

But the party was a hit! I was cool! the vegans liked me! The German exchange student thought I was cool! Dudes in a band had come to my house!

So of course there had to be a catch. I found it as I broke down the pie crust boxes for recycling. Midway through the recipe list was something I had missed on the first scan -- a little something called lard. I had fed lard to the coolest kids in school; to the vegans, to the vegetarians (myself included), and most certainly to many who would object to eating lard on the grounds of health or mere aesthetics. I felt absolutely AWFUL, and I was terrified that someone would find out and that my social career, never exactly stellar, would be shattered.

I know this sounds tiny and ridiculous now, but I didn't actually tell a soul about this shameful event for YEARS. When I finally spilled the beans to Vanessa, eyes downcast as the word 'lard' tumbled forth from my mouth, she laughed, and laughed, and laughed. Which reminds me: V, you are still not allowed to tell Robert about this.

I wish I'd... when I had the chance

I do tend to agree with Aprile on this point. It isn't too hard to look back on one's life and recall all the missed opportunities and missteps, but then you would lose sight of all the lessons learned or the fortuitous things that happened as a result. All the same, I definitely have regrets. Generally they are small fry, of the "why didn't I buy cheese at the foreign grocery store when I had the chance?" or "damn! I forgot to grab my air pollution mask before I left the house!" variety, but there are bigger ones too. Maybe its just because not enough time has passed for me to see how things will turn out, but try as I might, I've seen a few clouds with nothing in the way of silver linings.

With that said, I wish I'd given that one guy a piece of my mind when I had the chance.

I've never felt so out of place as when I...

Considering that I am living in Asia attending a school on the campus of one of China's top two universities among private school educated Ivy Leaguers and other assorted geniuses with good tones, I feel amazingly out of place every single day. Often that doesn't bother me, but sometimes it really does.

....is my guiltiest pleasure

Succumbing to the purchase of non-ethically produced commodities on shaky pretenses, such as "I had a bad day". Doubly so when it happens on the internet. Oh the shame.

I hope...knows how grateful I am

Everyone who saw me through hard times andor believed in me when I didn't. You, my fine friends, are the reason my life took such a turn towards awesomeness. Hopefully you all know how appreciated you are, but a few might need reminding. Specifically and chronologically: Auntie Gretchen, Carly and Loita Hawkinson, Vanessa, Katy+Mark+Ryan+Sarah, Alia, Care bear, mb, Montana and John, Blammo, 狄可佳.

In my darkest hours I secretly blame... for my dysfunction

Me, myself, and capitalism

...changed my life forever

China, DUH!

Now it is my turn. I tag Moxie Sinclair, not only because I like where her priorities are at, but 'cause I want to hear more about this graduate school thing. You're it!